Celebrities constantly give themselves awards for pretending to be real. Real people should get awards for making it through the day without giving in to the urge to spit on anyone.

Best impression of a productive employee while surfing the net – SCREW YOU award

Best impression of being a considerate boss while screwing your employees – DICK award

Most obnoxious customer in a retail establishment – MOC Award

Most aggressive driver in a residential neighborhood – MAD Award

Best female impression of a princess – The “You Go Girl” Award

Best male impression of a pompous asshole – The “Atta-Boy” Award

All nominations thoughtlessly considered.